Jen Sonstein Maidenberg

A few years ago, during a dreamwork session, my Natural Dreamwork practitioner asked me a question, “What does your heart desire?”

At the time, I probably winced. The phrasing sounded a little cheesy, the question a little lofty. But I respected him and trusted him, and even though I couldn’t really answer his question at the time, the question itself has stayed with me since. In fact, the question has become a kind of compass for me to use when I am not sure whether something or someone is a good fit.

“What does my heart desire?”

At first, asking myself this question in waking life about waking life scenarios helped me with relational issues. For instance, in the past, if I was invited to a family gathering I wasn’t sure I wanted to go to, I would often answer “Yes” out of a feeling of obligation. I should go to this holiday dinner, I would say to myself, and accept the invitation. Inevitably, I would be miserable at said gathering, and kicking myself later for going.

This question about my heart’s desire from my dreamwork practitioner, however, started to disrupt my automatic Yes a little bit, even if it didn’t change my answer at the beginning. I would still say, “Yes,” to an invitation I wasn’t sure I wanted to accept, but with his question in mind, I was suddenly much more aware of not wanting to say Yes. And for a time, it went like that. I would still say, “Yes,” but knew I didn’t want to. I started noticing how many things I said Yes to when I really was a No. I started hearing more clearly all the reasons why I would say Yes, and the reasons started to annoy me. It haunted me a little that I said Yes when I wanted to say No. Then, it started to haunt me a lot. 

Until one day, I stopped saying, “Yes;” not to all invitations my heart said “No” to, but to some. It wasn’t easy. But over time, the discomfort got less and less because that is what happens when you start following what your heart actually desires, even if it’s as simple as choosing to not spend two hours in a room with people who don’t cherish you or each other. Something inside you begins to recognize that you are making healthy decisions for yourself, that you are not letting “reasons” drive your decisions, or that you have begun to value your own preferences over someone else’s. Your nervous system begins to notice and responds positively. Your mind (with all its reasons) starts to quiet just a little bit. Your body knows you are now saying “No” to things you don’t want to do or aren’t good for you, and it relaxes.

You’ll be surprised at how much changes for the good once you start asking yourself “what do I want” instead of automatically responding from what you think you should do.

Your dreams respond positively, too; because that’s what happens when you work with dreams. 

First, you might notice a way of being or a repeating pattern of behavior in a dream. In my case, my dreamwork practitioner could see after working with me for a little while how often in my dreams I would make a choice from a place of “should,” from a place of obligation. 

Over time, we could both see in which kinds of situations “should” would rise up in a dream encounter: my mind would take over and tell me a reason why I needed to leave a scene, and I would quickly sacrifice my own wants or needs to do something else more managerial or caretaking. It was all over my dreams: I would leave a meaningful interaction in order to complete a household task. I would ignore how a dream character was trying to be playful with me because I believed I was the adult in the room and needed to act like one. I hardly ever allowed myself to linger in a pleasure-filled dream encounter because there was always something else I needed to attend to, run to, check on, manage, or fix. In the occasional dream in which I would indulge in what I wanted, I was never fully present because in my mind someone else would surely have an opinion about whatever enjoyable activity I was engaged in.

When my dreamwork practitioner asked me, “what does your heart desire?” during that dreamwork session, not only did I not know the answer, I was afraid to even ask myself the question. The sense that the question was “cheesy” was a defense mechanism, of course. Somewhere deep down inside at that time, I believed that even considering what my heart desired was “selfish.” I wouldn’t have dared wondered what I really wanted, let alone acted on it.

My dreamwork practitioner’s urging for me to ask myself the question opened a door for me. Apparently, a much younger version of myself needed permission. 

In the months that followed, asking myself what my heart desired helped me most of all with creating boundaries in my life where I was bad at creating boundaries in the past. An invitation or a request would come and I would pause.

“What does my heart desire?”

At least if I asked myself the question before I answered, I could recognize that I was choosing someone else over myself. I could willfully choose.

Over time, this pissed me off. I began pissing myself off. I wanted to choose myself more. I was sick of doing things because I felt I should.

So I started — somewhat timidly, and with guilt — saying, “No.” 

When you start showing up differently in waking life, your dreams notice. They will often offer new dream scenarios to encourage waking life behavioral shifts. You get to then practice in your dreams and in waking life whatever new “skill” you’ve acquired. Over time, both my dreams and my waking life seemed to be conspiring to support me in my endeavor to know what my heart desired. In fact, my dreams began to give me more of what my heart desired! My dreams presented scenarios in which I felt loved, cherished, acknowledged, at peace, in awe, etc. Of course, the dreams often would then present some kind of obstacle, a test of sorts to show me what kind of interruptions take me out of my own awe, wonder, pleasure, and joy; or how easy it is for me to abandon what I want because someone else wants something from me.

My behavior didn’t change overnight — it’s still very much a work in progress– but both in dreams and in waking life I have begun to choose more from my own desire and less from obligation to others. I question the stories I have about what or who is “selfish.” I challenge beliefs I inherited about loyalty or obligation.

The question of what my heart desires continues to be my compass.  It’s supportive in simple ways — ie. daily interactions with my family members and friends. And it’s helpful in more critical ways — ie. choosing a new doctor, deciding to stay or leave a job, etc.

Dreamwork has sharpened my ability to feel into what draws me closer and what repels me. My dreamwork practice has strengthened my ability to stay longer with what draws me and say No to the interruptions, stories, or reactions that might take me away from what I want to be doing.

This question and my dreams have really helped me reconnect with myself, my essential self, a self I all but abandoned for many, many years out of a belief I had to be “good,” “noble,” “reliable,” or “respectable” in someone else’s eyes. It’s had me turn inward, once again, as I believe I used to (as a child), and ask myself:

“What’s fun?”

“What’s beautiful?”

“What nourishes me?”

“What does my body want to do right now?”

“What lights me up?”

“What feels good?”

“What makes me laugh?”

And then choose from that answer.