Jen Sonstein Maidenberg

A common question about dreams involves “kisses with strangers,” or some level of physical intimacy with someone the dreamer doesn’t know in waking life or does not find attractive.

At times, the concern is elevated because the dreamer is involved in a monogamous romantic relationship in waking life, and feels confused or guilty for having exchanged a kiss with someone other than their partner in a dream.

There are a few other versions of the “dream kiss” that can cause confusion or upset in the dreamer. Such as when the dreamer kisses someone in a dream they aren’t knowingly attracted to in waking life … until the dream kiss.

Finally, there is the case in which a dreamer shares a kiss or physical intimacy with a faceless person or a character they feel (in the dream) they know, but can’t identify from waking life. In this case, there can sometimes be a strong sense of longing or sadness upon waking. 

Have you had a dream like one of these?

From the perspective of dreamwork, these are good dreams; even if they lead to complicated thoughts or confusing feelings upon waking.

The thoughts are what cause the “problem”, not the dream or the dream feeling.

So… you had a sexy or intimate encounter in a dream. Did it feel pleasant in the dream? Did you feel good during it and after? What was is like to feel good? What was it like to feel desire or desired? What does feeling this way remind you of? When was the last time you felt this way? Can you return to the kiss in your mind, in your body? Can you stay there a bit longer? What’s that like?

Or… did you feel ambivalent about the kiss in the dream itself? Did you enjoy the kiss, but feel some shame or guilt about it, as well? Is that feeling familiar to you from waking life? 

Did you judge the kiss or the kisser? Did you judge yourself during or afterwards? Did you feel self-worth after or self-loathing?

The dream kiss (or embrace, or sex) can be such a pleasure-filled experience in the immediacy of it, but so many of us withdraw from the feeling instantly upon waking with our thoughts, questions, and concerns; not to mention our judgment of ourselves and our shame.

And that’s descriptive only of those of us willing to remember our dreams. There is a whole group of people so determined to avoid the discomfort of such dream kisses that they forget the dreams instantly upon waking.

Those of us that remember our dreams, however, often quickly turn to interpretation or analysis — mind games, so to speak. We relate to the dream kiss from the perspective of our waking lives. We worry about the implications of our desire or our longing. We may reject the feelings of the dream, even if some part of us was awakened as a result of it.

If I was working a kiss dream with a client, I might suggest a different way of being. I might suggest we return to the dream kiss and experience it a little longer. After all, our “dream-maker” gave us this encounter presumably for a reason. 

(Note: Each individual dreamer is unique and comes with their own abilities and limitations regarding sexual intimacy, so of course, this would depend on the dreamer.)

I might invite the dreamer to put aside all of her worries and concerns from her waking life and simply drop into the dream as if it was a stand-alone experience, independent of her history and narratives and beliefs about herself. What could she learn about her own needs, desires, and feelings if she could engage with the dream briefly this way?

Often when we are able to quiet the mind from all of its attempts to fix, understand, or problem-solve an encounter, feelings arise. These feelings may lead to insights or revelations we would never get to via thinking about or analyzing a dream. Sometimes there is no revelation, but there is change — in us, in the way we relate to others, in the way we move about in our bodies and in the world.

I am not suggesting we shut out all thought and all attempts to understand our dreams. I’m simply suggesting that with a dream kiss we may have been given a sensual encounter in order to awaken a sleeping feeling in us. 

It’s often the dreams that make us uncomfortable that most require our willingness to return to them in the safety of a container of dreamwork. In that container, we can put meaning, judgement, potential actions and consequences to the side for a moment, and just give the dream encounter the opportunity to stir something in us.

How often do we allow ourselves to do so — in waking life or in dreams?

I believe our dreams come to us when we are ready to receive them, even if they make us feel uncomfortable in the process.

Or, in the case of the dream kiss, when they make us feel really, really good in the process.